According to professional sex therapist Tamra Mercieca, women should add their vaginas to their workout regime for better sex and superior vaginal control.
“If you look at your index finger, you’ll notice there are three segments,” Mercieca explained. “We can also separate our vagina into three sections and learn how to contract and release those three sections independently of each other, essentially giving you the ability to play your partner’s penis like a flute.”
This can be achieved with something called a jade egg, which is designed to strengthen the hammock-shaped pubococcygeus muscle.
“Essentially, you learn how to train your vaginal muscles to slip the egg inside. Once it’s there, you do various exercises to awaken that tissue so that you can not only feel more pleasure, but also activate the glands in the vagina so you self-lubricate more naturally.”
If Mercieca is to be believed, a lack of exercise and sexual activity can actually cause a female’s sexual organs to completely rot out. “Ladies, we need to look after our vaginas otherwise they will quite literally fall out of us,” she said. We have nothing to add to this.
#2 Premium “sex mannequins” aren’t just for creepy loners. Honest.
Fantasy Dolls are a range of purpose-built sex dolls made from a single mould of flesh-like silicone encasing a flexible skeletal frame. According to the dolls’ makers, weirdos in basements only make up a small percentage of their customer-base. No really.
“A lot of our clients are married couples who want to enhance their lovemaking without the guilt,” explained one of the PR reps, slightly unconvincingly. “Another trend we’re seeing are women who travel a lot for work and don’t want their husband to be unfaithful, so she’ll buy him a doll. We also received a big order from a fashion company because they look sexier than normal mannequins and can be quickly posed into different position.” Riiight.
#3 Depressed and overweight? Try the “man juice” diet.
Apparently, regular semen consumption is a great way to lose weight, reduce depression and clear your complexion. It says here. This is thanks to a wholesome cocktail of zinc, Vitamin C, proteins, amino acids and water. In a controlled study, consuming nine grams of semen per week led to an average weight loss of half a kilogram. (I suspect this probably has more to do with the physical effort of fellatio, but don’t let me stop you.)
It’s not just “man juice” either: Similar health properties are present in female ejaculate (AKA “amrita”.) “If you want to experience higher states of arousal and better health, then please drink up, because it is seriously good for you,” the presenter told us. Okay.
#4 Aussie men prefer “masturbatory aids” based on Australian porn stars
One of the most popular sex toys at this year’s Sexpo was the Spider range of silicone “love pieces” for men. It sounds like something for people with an arachnid fetish, but they’re actually photo-realistic replicas of famous porn stars’ vaginas.
Debuting at this year’s show was an Australian performer range, including Samme Rosee (pictured). Despite being somewhat minor celebrities in the global porn pantheon, the Aussie range was still the biggest seller at the show. “I’m wiping the floor with the UK girls!” Samme enthusiastically gushed. Good for her, we guess.